Monday, September 04, 2006

My patience is eroding...

Rant, rant, rant.

One of the joys of doing the Thrilling Detective Web Site is when I get sneak peeks at upcoming books, films, TV shows, etc. It's always a buzz when a shiny new author or an old pro drops me a line, and asks me to mention some new project or offer me a review copy.

Then there are the self-published guys...

Don't get me wrong -- some of these guys and gals know who I am, know what the site's about, and can write clear and concise letters that show a certain familiarity with who I am and what I do, and then proceed to tell me about their latest private eye-related project. Just like grown-ups.

That sort of politeness and professionalism bodes well for their books -- and their careers. Some of them won't be self-published for long.

And then there's the rest, the mouth-breathing morons who will be POD forever, and will blame it all on everyone else in the world. They bombard me with unsolicited spam touting their latest piece of dubiously published excrement which usually has nothing to do with me, my site, private eyes or even crime fiction. They've just bought my name off some dubious list or found it on the internet somehow (without actually checking out the site), and have proceeded to dumping message after message in my mailbox, chronicling every sordid highlight of their "writing career."

Harriett gave me four stars!
Another new chapter is available on-line!
A new, rave review is on my site!
It's now available on Amamerde.com!
I sold a book to a non-relative!!!!!!

Why these POD Weenie Wagglers think I'm interested in their poorly written screeds about their "blazing new paradims (sic) of serial killer fiction," their "no-holds bard(sic)" take on world politics or their "erotic techno-cyber-noir adventures" featuring "Birk Bludgeon of the Intergalactic Multi-Climactic Space Corpse (sic)" is beyond me.

Some of these mouth-breathers actually have alleged "publicity agents" working for them -- one of them even had a "branding manager." Weird thing, though -- these people (if they are people) invariably write as poorly as the authors they purportedly represent.

I used to try to respond to each and every entreaty, trying to be as tactful (but honest) as I could, but half the time I got responses that called me short-sighted (or other, less flattering words) for not appreciating their (or their client's) genius (even though, often, the book was completely out of my range of interest).

Then I tried just trashing the stuff, ignoring them, but lately they've been sending follow-ups. "Hi, did you receive..." and "Just in case you missed it, Bullshit Publishers are proud to Present..." and other similiar come-ons.

Like, my non-response isn't a big enough hint?

But the latest gimmick seems to be subscribing me to automated Google and Yahoo mailing lists. I'm not sure how they do this, but they do. And I've received far more info about their books than I want to. What was once an annoying message or two has become four or five messages a week for months on end.

And when you have twenty or so of these turkeys each plugging away at a time, your inbox fills up mighty quickly.

The promotion for one book in particular has really gotten under my skin recently, so I've sent a fairly nasty message off to the author's mailing list, in the vain hope they will unsubscribe me and cease and desist. My first attempts met with so little success, I can only hope a more blunt approach will work.

If that doesn't work, I'll surrender, and give this (so far unnamed) pipsqueak enough publicity to choke on. Just glancing at his web site shows me we could all have a lot of fun shredding him into little literary pieces.

My patience is eroding and a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

Stay tuned.

(Portions of this message were altered so as not to protect the names and identities of the guilty)

7 Comments:

Blogger Edward Piercy said...

Gee, I kind of like Birk Bludgeon.

9:58 AM, September 05, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You do realize that these idiots will now just bstep up the harrassment, don't you? Poor fool...

Keith

4:10 PM, September 05, 2006  
Blogger Graham said...

"Harriet gave me four stars!"

That line alone redeems a long and frustrating day.

7:48 PM, September 05, 2006  
Blogger Linda L. Richards said...

This sort of rant isn't going to win you any friends. I know about it: it's a rant I've made often enough myself.

Over the years, I've reviewed -- perhaps even brought to light -- self-published books that probably shouldn't have been. Carefully considered, beautifully crafted, professionally executed. They were books that fell through the cracks. It happens.

And then there are the others. My biggest peeve that's a pet is with those among these authors -- and there's a whack of them -- who've taken it upon themselves to recreate the language. Like English is broken and we've been waiting for them to fix it.

Here's the thing: there are conventions. There are spell checkers. There are style manuals. There are editors and art directors to whom self-published authors can give money in order to come out with something that looks like an actual book. But if, in the first paragraph of this masterwork, I encounter three typos and two poorly constructed sentences, I'm outta there. Hell: life is just too short.

Oh. My. God. Look at me go! I'll stop now. (I must stop now.) I've grabbed Kevin's rant and taken it as my own. Sorry. I'll go off and be good now.

P.S. Harriet gave me five stars. Nnnnyyyaaahh.

1:00 PM, September 06, 2006  
Blogger John D. said...

"no-holds bard"

So it's true. Shakespeare couldn't wrestle. I'd always suspected as much.

6:35 PM, September 06, 2006  
Blogger Kevin Burton Smith said...

Meanwhile, two people whom I can't recall ever having any coorespondence with and who apparently have no interest in writing hard-boiled or private eye fiction have just accused the Thrilling Detective Web Site of having "mean-spirited and rude" guidelines.

On a discussion list that has more than its fair share of POD people.

Just coincidence, right?

9:11 PM, September 06, 2006  
Blogger OmenSpirit said...

ah, the world's hating on right now isn't Kevin?

:-)

2:05 PM, September 07, 2006  

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